those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
