I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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