He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
