Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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