We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
