At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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