so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
