shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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