Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
