i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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