it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
