I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I think I won the penis lottery.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
