Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
