so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
