Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
