if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
