Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
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i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
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Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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