I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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