there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Randomize
