Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Holy shit dude........stairs
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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