Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
