My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Randomize
