So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
