I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
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That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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