I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
