I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
