I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
