Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
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I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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