I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
