my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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