1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
