Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.