what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
