i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
