You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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