Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
