it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
