How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
