My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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