I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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