I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
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Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
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My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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