i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I love you. Go after that dick
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
