How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
