those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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