I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
