I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
