there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
how drunk are you?
Several
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
