what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
