Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
