I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
