Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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