You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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