I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Alive.
So much puke
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
