I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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