My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
he fucked my hip out of place.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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