My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
