We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
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